Christmas at Liquid's
by Doctor Vile
Summary: A sequel to the much acclaimed Solidus' Birthday Party, this comedy is a Christmas Special of Dickensian proportions! Forget everything else: this is the only Yuletide fanfic you need to read. Feel free to review or flame, if you've got the balls.
1. Christmas Eve

**Christmas at Liquid's**  
By Chicken Fox

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Metal Gear characters or Master Chief. I do not have the rights to any of The Darkness's songs or to the lyrics of Slade. The characters of Charles Dickens are not my legal property. Any characters in this story that bear resemblances to real people through names and actions are purely coincidental. I do not own the rights to the script of It's A Wonderful Life. The names of jduran89, Pablosky and Shade Wolf are used with full expressed permission of the owners. Elijah Slervansk is the property of Mr. Pablo Naso and is used with permission. I do not own the naming rights the Gamecube or any Nintendo product. I don't own Game or, if it exists, JapBabes Weekly. After a disclaimer like that, you know you're in for a show. 

**Chapter One:** Christmas Eve

SCENE ONE: SNAKE'S HOUSE, CHRISTMAS EVE

('Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even… a Snake. Wait, yes he was. He was setting up the Christmas Tree.)

Snake: Friggin'… piece of…

(Enter Meryl)

Meryl: Hey baby, how's the tree coming?

Snake: It fucking isn't, that's how.

Meryl: Well, you're in for a treat tonight anyway.

Snake: Can't we just do it now on the coffee table?

Meryl: That's not very romantic.

Snake: I think there's some booze in the fridge…

Meryl: (sigh) If you finish the tree, then maybe you'll strike lucky after we go Christmas Shopping.

(Enter Otacon)

Otacon: Hey Snake, I've got your mail here!

Snake: How does he keep getting in?

Meryl: I gave him a key.

Snake: (exasperated) Why?

Meryl: He's cute, in a lost puppy sort of way.

Snake: He ain't cute, he's a freak.

Meryl: But just look at those puppy dog eyes!

(They both look)

Meryl: Can we keep him, Snake? Huh?

Snake: Get him the hell outta here.

Otacon (totally oblivious): Snake, it looks as though Liquid's invited you to his for Christmas.

Snake: What!?

(He walks from the tree to Otacon and snatches the invitation from him.)

Snake (reading):

_"To Snake,_

_You and your significant other are cordially invited to my house, Christmas Day. Dinner is served at 1600 hours._

_Liquid Snake."_

Meryl: How sweet!

Otacon: I dunno, could be a trap.

Snake: Nah, only my name is in his handwriting. The rest is typed, which means he's invited many other people.

Otacon: Could be a big trap?

(Long silence)

Meryl: He's so cute! Let's buy him a present!

Snake: Will you stop? He likes hentai! Tell her, Hal.

Otacon: (nods)

Meryl: Aw! (Hugs Otacon)

Snake: Anyway, we need to be prepared, just in case Four-Eyes is right about this whole set up.

Otacon: That's right, so I brought this to help you. (He hands Snake a disc)

Snake: What's this? Detailed files on Liquid? Information on his henchmen? Blueprints of a new Metal Gear?

Otacon: It's a copy of Splinter Cell 2. You could learn a lot from it.

Snake: What does it have that I don't?

Meryl: Woah! Sam Fisher! He's so hot!

(Snake and Otacon stare at her)

Meryl: In a totally unhot way.

Otacon: …You do have an X-Box, right?

Snake: Not since my X-Box Live subscription was cancelled. So I swore at a few Australian kids, so what?

Meryl: Hey, going to this thing at Liquid's could be a good idea. This being a Chicken Fox fic, it's likely that all sorts of wacky people involved in computer games could show up.

Otacon: Including Bill Gates!

Snake: I don't know, it still sounds kinda risky.

Meryl: Come on! You're always saying we should go places together!

Snake: Well… Okay. I'll go.

Otacon: Cool! I'll pick you up at 8:00 tomorrow.

Snake: Shut up, Otacon.

(Enter Raiden)

Raiden: Yeah, he's taking me, bitch!

Snake (to Meryl): Oh great, you didn't give him a key too did you?

Meryl: I don't even know who he is.

Raiden: Nah, the pane of glass in your bedroom window wasn't in place in any serious way.

Meryl (to Snake): You got the cheap builders again, didn't you!?

Snake: They were really expensive! Fucking cowboys!

Raiden: Well, maybe I lied about the serious part. (He hold up his arm. The window frame is attached to it, with the glass sticking into his arteries. There is a considerably constant stream of blood)

Meryl: Oh! You need an ambulance! Someone dial 911 quick!

(Snake and Otacon are still)

Meryl: What's the matter with you two? This poor man could die!

(No response)

Meryl: Snake!

Snake: Meryl, remember that "Jack" guy I told you about?

Meryl: …Yeah…

(Snake points at Raiden)

Meryl (to Raiden): Ew! Get away from me, you perv!

(Just then, an owl flies down the chimney with a letter in its beak. It hands it to Raiden)

Raiden: Hey! An invite!

Snake: What's with this?

Otacon: Owls.

Snake: …Say what you see, Hal.

Otacon: Letters.

Raiden: I've never been invited to anything before! This is so cool!

Otacon: Who're you gonna invite?

Raiden: I guess I'll take you.

Otacon: Woohoo!

Snake: What about Rose?

Raiden: What about who now?

Snake: Your wife.

Raiden: …

Snake: Oh, forget it, what do I care? Just get out of my house!

Otacon: See you tomorrow, Snake!

* * *

SCENE TWO: LIQUID'S LIVING ROOM 

(The house is dank, dark and depressing. Liquid is reading through his emails. Revolver Ocelot, Fortune, Solidus Snake and Vamp watch him. Fatman is in the kitchen)

Liquid: Muhahahaha!!! They're all coming! Everyone!

Ocelot: Perfect.

Liquid: Now I shall have Snake right where I want him. Fatman, is the turkey ready yet?

Fatman O/C: Pfft. No.

Liquid: But they'll be here any day now!

Ocelot: Tomorrow.

Liquid: Tomorrow!

Fatman O/C: Art cannot be rushed.

Solidus: Then why the hell do you wear roller-skates then?

Fatman O/C: (clears throat)

Vamp: It's a long story.

Fortune: Usually full of dragons, elves and all-you-can-eat restaurants.

Solidus: Forget I asked.

Fatman O/C: Fiddlesticks!

Liquid: Silence! I need full concentration here!

Vamp: Yes, everyone be quiet.

…

Solidus: He's only checking emails for Christ's sake.

Liquid: Anyone know any good Asian porn websites?

Solidus: …I see.

Ocelot: I can't think of any. Does anyone have Snake's mobile number?

Liquid: Don't bother. He only has hetero stuff.

Ocelot: Damn!

Solidus: Damn!

Vamp: Damn!

Fortune: Damn!

Fatman O/C: Damn!

Vamp: Yay!

(Short silence)

Solidus: Can I get on that computer after you? I'm expecting reviews for my latest fanfic.

Liquid: Your latest what?

Solidus: It's a gay thing.

Liquid: …Riiight. Sure, I'm finished.

(Liquid leaves the computer and retreats to the kitchen. Fortune, Ocelot and Vamp follow, leaving Solidus to the computer.)

Solidus (typing): fanfiction…. dot…. net… forward-slash…

Computer voice: File not found.

Solidus: Stupid machines!

Computer: Your computer is infected with a virus.

Solidus: Damn!

Computer: Computer shutting down.

Solidus: Arrrrghh!!

Computer: This monitor will self-destruct in five seconds.

Solidus: Damn the Patriots!!!

* * *

SCENE 3: THE MALL 

(Snake is in Game with several large shopping bags.)

Snake: What!? Twin Snakes is GameCube only? Why didn't somebody tell me!

Shop Assistant: Say, why not get a GameCube? They're only £79.99 and this Christmas we're throwing in a free game of your choice!

Snake: No can do.

Shop Assistant: Okay, uh… £50 plus Vivendi's entire back catalogue.

Snake: Keep sliding.

Shop Assistant (falls to his knees): Please, for the love of God, buy one! They're just not selling and we're going out of business! They're gonna repossess my Asian porn, man!

Snake: Hmmm… I can't imagine what I'd do without JapBabes Weekly.

Shop Assistant: How about you give me a classic Solid Snake pose, and I'll give you one for free!

Snake: I dunno…

Shop Assistant: C'mon! It is Christmas!

Snake: Well…

Meryl O/C: Hey, Snake, come look at this!

Snake: Gotta go.

Shop Assistant: Nooooo!! Miyamoto's going to have my legs broke!

(Cut to nearest KFC Outlet. Pablosky and jduran89 are next in the queue.)

Pablosky: So, you going to Liquids for Christmas?

jduran89: Nah, I've got better things to do.

Pablosky: What, like finally write your new How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened! chapter?

jduran89: …You're right, I've nothing better to do. See ya there!

Shade Wolf: All right, whaddya want?

jduran89: I'll have a chicken sandwich, and whatever Pabs wants.

Pablosky: Family Bucket, please.

jduran89: Family Bucket!? All by yourself?

Pablosky: It's the Maradona 2004 Diet.

jduran89: Whatever.

Shade Wolf: That'll be $39.99, bihatch.

jduran89: $39.99!!?? I can't afford that! I live in California!

Shade Wolf: Then you must toil in this very chicken-processing establishment forever! Or until you've worked off your debt, whatever comes first.

jduran89: Which is more likely to come first? It pays well, right?

Shade Wolf: Mwah hah hah hah hah! (Disappears in a cloud of smoke)

jduran89: Nooooooooo!

Pablosky: At least now you have a job.

(Cut to the Jewellery Store)

Snake: What do you want?

Meryl: Oooh, look at this necklace! Wouldn't it look so great on… Hey, come back!

Snake: Wha… Oh, sorry.

Meryl: Fine, forget it.

Snake: Done.

Snake's Brain: That was easy.

Snake: Good plan, brain. Now she'll be really surprised when we buy it for her.

Snake's Brain: Buy what for her?

Snake: … I forgot.

Snake's Brain: Argh! Must I do everything?

Snake's Memory: Don't look at me, I can't even remember five minutes ago thanks to overexposure to Alaskan Television.

Snake's Vision: Oh, and I suppose you'll blame me for that, too.

Snake: Ow, my head.

(Short silence)

Meryl:… What are you talking about?

Snake: Can we have sex now?

Snake's Hormone Glands: Now you're talkin'!

* * *

SCENE 4: SNAKE'S HOUSE, LATER THAT NIGHT 

(Now there are no creatures stirring. Please ignore the loud thumping noises coming from upstairs and concentrate on the soft jingling of bells. The clock strikes twelve, and there is a rustling noise coming from the fireplace.)

Santa O/C: Ho ho… ah, cock it…

(Santa Claus rolls out of the fireplace and into the living room)

Santa: Now let's have a look at my list… Ah yes, Snake. Been good this year, except for all the ruthless killing and satanic worship. But I'm sure he'll stop that in the near future. I'm going to give him… a new SOCOM Pistol. Ho ho ho! (Exits back up chimney)

Santa: Argh… sonnuva…

* * *

SCENE 5: LIQUID'S HOUSE 

(Solidus is still at the computer)

Solidus: I thought you had Broadband!

Liquid: I do, it's just screwed up. What with all the porn.

Vamp: Don't you have any magazines or anything?

Liquid: I'll ask Tofer v1.0 to bring some tomorrow. He has a whole wardrobe-full.

All: Yay!

Fatman: Can't we all just go to bed now? If we don't, Santa will never come!

Fortune: Firstly, Fatman, this is a slumber party. No slumbering is usually involved. Secondly, there's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Fatman: Noooo!! You ruined my sexual fantasies, you heartless cow!

(At that moment, Santa Claus, perhaps not entirely unexpectedly, fell down the chimney)

Santa: Ho ho ho… Gasp! Children still awake at this hour?

Fatman: Yay! Santa! My dream has come true!

Solidus: Woah, the big man himself. Liquid, could I have a quick word?

Liquid: Sure.

Solidus (whispering): …Evil…plan… kidnap…Not in ages…

Liquid (nods):…

Solidus: Yeah, we're just going upstairs now, Santa. For sleep.

Liquid: Yes. For sleep.

(Slight pause)

Solidus: Grab him!

(After a quick scuffle, the evildoers manage to entrap Saint Nick in a net)

Fatman: Yay! Santa tied up! My dream has come true!

Solidus: Now that was an evil, evil plan.

Vamp: Incredibly evil. I think we really outdid ourselves in evility there.

Liquid: Definitely.

Santa: !!! (Muffled cries)

(Quick pause)

Fortune: So what now?

Solidus: We can either ransom him to the Patriots, or let him go.

Liquid: Urgh, not another ransom.

Solidus: But I have a really good feeling about this one!

Liquid: Snake always kicks our ass in hostage situations, and it will just end up with Father Christmas here dying of FoxDie.

Solidus:… Actually, it was Raiden who kicked my ass.

All: Ah, hah hah hah hah hah!!!

Solidus: Shut up!

Liquid:… Hoo… hah… Anyway, let's just let him go.

Fatman: Noooo!! You ruined my sexual fantasies, you…

Liquid: Yeah, yeah (cuts Santa loose). No hard feelings, old chap.

Santa: None at all, old bean. (Exits up chimney)

Santa O/C: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Solidus: Watch out for the RAY! I just got it re-sprayed!

Fortune: So, what now?

Fatman: Let's go see if it's snowing!

(They run to the window)

Liquid: Hey, Solidus… isn't that your RAY those teens are jacking into?

Solidus: Damn the Patriots!

_And so we closeth upon this heart warming Christmas scene with the hope that the author will not bloateth himself on too much of the delicious bird knowneth as turkey to update on the morrow. Good night to all!_


	2. Christmas Day

**Christmas at Liquid's**  
By Chicken Fox

**Chapter Two:** Christmas Day

SCENE ONE: RAIDEN'S RENTAL CAR

Otacon: So, what do you think so far?

Raiden: Of what?

Otacon: Chicken Fox's Christmas special?

Raiden: Meh, it kinda sucks. Not as good as Solidus' Birthday Party.

Otacon: Oh, I agree.

(Long silence)

Otacon: So…

Raiden: You wanna make out?

Otacon: Not really. I'm not gay, you're married and your breath smells somewhat of rotten fish sticks.

Raiden: Oh.

Otacon: Wanna have hot, rampant sex?

Raiden: …Yeah, okay.

* * *

SCENE TWO: LIQUID'S HALLWAY 

(All characters are dressed in smart dinner suits, with the exception of Fatman, who has taken to wearing a mumu.)

Fatman (jumping up and down): Ohmygodohmygod, they'll be here any minute!

Liquid: They should be here by now, it's almost 4:01! Solidus, why aren't they here?

Solidus: Uh… maybe they're stuck in traffic.

Fortune: Or maybe you're such a complete cunt that no one's bothering to turn up.

Fatman: Equally likely.

Liquid: Yeah, you're right guys. It's probably some circumstance beyond their control.

Solidus: Hey, where's Vamp? Don't tell me he's still shagged out.

Fortune: I wouldn't be surprised. Fatman's such a machine when he gets going.

(Doorbell rings)

Fatman: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!

Solidus: I'll get it.

(He answers the door. It is Sniper Wolf)

Liquid: Wolf! How good to see you! How's Elijah?

Sniper Wolf: I shot him with my gun.

Solidus: You shot your brother?

Wolf: We had a disagreement, which turned into a falling out, which turned into a sniper battle. Luckily, my skin appears to be made out of some form of Kevlar, as I can get shot about seven times in the chest without dying, so I kicked his ass.

Liquid: …Well, good to see you. Here's your present (hands her a small, wrapped box)

Wolf (unwrapping): Hmm. PSG-1 shells. How original. I think I'll kill the next person who gets me these. (She begins to load them into her PSG-1) What did the rest of you get me?

(Everyone else hides their similar-sized boxes behind their backs)

Fortune: Uh, Wolf, I haven't got you anything yet 'cos… well, you know what Christmas shopping is like this time of year.

Solidus: Yeah, same problem here.

Fatman: I got ya something! (Hands her a badly wrapped box, identical in size to Liquid's present)

Fortune: Oh, God…

Wolf: (opens it… I'll leave what's inside up to your imaginations) …This has been used, hasn't it.

Fatman: Only once! How did you know?

Wolf: The fishy smell.

Fatman: Well… Happy Christmas, anyway!

Wolf: (cocks rifle) Get running, Fatty.

Fatman: Uh… I'm going to the Off-Licence. Anyone want anything?

Fortune: Actually, I really feel like some cashew…

Fatman: Gotta go! (Waddles out the door as fast as possible)

Fortune: …nuts.

Wolf: The hunt is on. (Cocks rifle… again.)

Solidus: Uh, say, Wolf… Why not have a sit down, yeah? I'll get you some coffee, aspirins, Prozac… whatever you need.

Wolf: Well… I am manically depressed…

Liquid: So it's settled then.

(Ding-dong! Who could it be?)

Liquid: Ooh, that'll be Master Chief.

All: Master Chief!?

Liquid: Yeah. What's the problem?

Fortune: Well… it's just… he's not from Metal Gear, is he?

Solidus: Thank you, Captain Obvious. Liquid has probably invited him as part of a rich tapestry of death which will no doubt result in a final, fatal victory for we evildoers against our common foe!

Liquid: Whatever. (opens door)

Master Chief: Sorry I'm late, the traffic was terrible, plus I think you're an absolute cun…

(Romantic music. Master Chief has laid eyes… or visor, whatever… on Sniper Wolf. They exchange evocative glances, unable to take their eyes off each other. Visor, whatever.)

Master Chief: Liquid… Who is this fine pair of…uh, eyes?

Liquid: Oh, Chief, meet Wolf. Wolf, Chief. Wolf helped me take over Shadow Moses and co-starred in shitloads of poor-ass shouen-ai fanfictions with me. Chief and I met at the E3 gameshow in Los Angeles a few years back.

Wolf: You left out his beautiful dress sense… and gorgeous inventory of futuristic weapons.

(Try to imagine that last statement being said as seductively and erotically as possible.)

* * *

SCENE THREE: THE DINNER TABLE 

(Everyone is sitting comfortably. With the exception of Snake, who is eyeing Bill Gates suspiciously.)

Solidus: So, Bill… you're into World Domination, huh?

Bill Gates: Yeah. I'd be further along, of course, but the US Government is still trying to break my company up.

Solidus: Oh, don't get me started on the Government!

Bill Gates: You've had troubles with them too?

Raiden: No, really. Don't get him started. He'll go on for hours.

Liquid: More wine, anybody?

Solidus: Any vodka?

Liquid: I think there's some out back. Could you fetch it, Fatman?

Fatman: Well, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I didn't need the exercise!

(Pauses for laughter. None comes)

Fatman: Be back in five. (leaves)

Raiden: So, Meryl. Snake tells me you're a woman.

Snake: You bring the mace, Meryl?

Meryl: It's in my purse.

Snake: Best Christmas present ever, that one. Sorry, Raiden. Continue.

Raiden: I…uh, forgot what I was going to say.

Snake: Excellent.

Master Chief: Could you pass the turkey, boss?

Bill Gates: Sure, Chief.

Snake: That reminds me. Where's Dad?

Liquid: Oh… he said he was busy. They're making some sort of biopic videogame of him.

Snake: Oh, okay. Speaking of videogames, I'm still waiting for Hideo to call me about making Metal Gear Solid 3. I mean, next they'll be telling me I'm not the star!

(Beat)

Vamp: Pass the cranberry sauce.

Psycho Mantis: Certainly.

(The sauce levitates itself over to Vamp, who smears it on his food)

Vamp: Thank you.

Otacon: Oh, by the way Vamp, Emma sends her love.

Vamp: Heh, that little scamp. She still got all that O positive blood?

Otacon: Uh… I think so.

Vamp: Maybe I'll see her for New Years.

Wolf (erotically): So, Master Chief. Ever held a PSG-1 before?

Master Chief: No, actually. My Sainted Grandmother had one, but I'm from a future where people can only carry one weapon at a time, and I like laser guns.

Wolf: Mmmmmm.

Snake: One weapon at a time? That's crazy Liberalist talk.

Solidus: Fatman's been gone a while.

Liquid: Yes… I hope he doesn't mess up my plans.

* * *

SCENE FOUR: LIQUID'S GARAGE 

(Fatman is looking through crates of Napoleon Brandy)

Fatman: So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's havin' fun…

* * *

SCENE FIVE: LIQUID'S BACK YARD 

(A dark figure moves towards the garage. Fatman's singing carries through the snowy air)

Fatman (faint): Look, to the future now, it's only just beguu-uuhn-uhhn.

(The figure moves ever closer. We see only his back and his right hand, in which a gun is spinning impressively. The figure cocks the gun, and raises it as he enters the garage)

* * *

SCENE SIX: THE GARAGE 

Fatman: Christmas time, down at the something… Christmas tiiime, duh duh duh duh duh…

Evil Gravely Voice #1: So. Thought you'd forget all about me, eh? Where was my invitation!?

Fatman: Gasp! It cannot be…!

Evil Gravely Voice #1: Oh, but it is!

(beat)

Evil Gravely Voice #1: …Did you say "gasp"?

Fatman: No… I think I just gasped it.

Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, you definitely said it. The Author didn't put brackets around it.

Fatman: Maybe he just forgot.

Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, I definitely think… argh, this is stupid. Where were we?

Fatman: Uh…. It cannot be!

Evil Gravely Voice #1: Oh, but it is!

Fatman: Surely not… Evil Gravely Voice #1!!??

Evil Gravely Voice #1: … I suppose I should be grateful you didn't give away my identity. But you're a fucking idiot anyway.

(The dark figure pistol-whips Fatman into unconsciousness)

* * *

SCENE SEVEN: THE DINNER TABLE 

Vulcan Raven: So I says, hey buddy, your granny was like that when we got here!

All: (laughter)

Liquid: Where's Fatman? He needs to do the pudding.

Fortune: Probably getting smashed off whatever's in your garage.

Liquid: Ah, very well.

Meryl: Perhaps someone should check on him?

Solidus: Thank you for volunteering.

Meryl: Why don't you go? You're the hardest boss around.

Solidus: I don't want to spend more time with Fatman than I do already. Dealing with him drunk is one of life's pleasures I could do without.

Meryl: But something could be wrong! He could be in danger!

Otacon: It's Christmas. Even bad guys take the day off on the 25th December.

Bill Gates: It's true.

Meryl: What about Muslim villains?

Wolf: I'm here.

Meryl: Aliens, then.

Master Chief: She's right. The Covenant don't celebrate anything except the death and destruction of others. And Valentine's Day.

Vamp: Yes, something could've abducted Fatman.

Mei Ling: Yeah, you better go check it out, Meryl.

Meryl: Grrrrr! This is like every bad horror movie ever! Something's wrong, so the girl checks it out!

Liquid: You're right.

Meryl: Thank you.

Liquid: Mei Ling should go instead.

Mei Ling: Me? But I don't even have combat training!

Snake: Olga, then.

Otacon: Or Raiden.

Olga: I elect Fortune.

Fortune: Oh, great. Not only send the girl to get killed, but the black girl. Stereotypical horror flick.

Liquid: This isn't a horror flick! It's just Christmas dinner, and the guy no one wants around is gone! What's the big problem? Can't we just have dinner on Christmas Day without listening to conspiracy theories?

Solidus: It's the Patriots! They've made us think this way!

Liquid: (sighs)

20 MINUTES LATER…

Solidus: So, we're agreed. Fatman has been kidnapped by The Covenant, who are in league with the Grinch, both of whom are being controlled by the Patriots, one of the members of which is Doctor Seuss, in a fiendish plot to eliminate Christmas Pudding forever.

Raiden: Don't forget Dan Ackroyd.

Solidus: …And we're sending Fortune and Raven to investigate. Any objections?

Liquid: This is stupid.

Otacon: Sacrifice him!

(beat)

Liquid: Seriously, doesn't anyone just want to sit down and have cake?

Fortune: No way. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And I gotta do it with him. Let's go, Raven. (leaves)

Snake: Hey, is It's A Wonderful Life on? I love that film.

* * *

SCENE EIGHT: LIQUID'S GARAGE 

(Fatman is strapped to an electric torture device)

Evil Gravely Voice #1: They should be here to rescue you by now. What's going on?

Fatman: I wish Santa was here.

Evil Gravely Voice #2: Shut up! (flicks machine on)

Fatman: ARRRGH!!! That tickles!

* * *

SCENE NINE: LIQUID'S BACK YARD 

Vulcan Raven: Okay, what's the plan?

Fortune: We sneak up, assess the situation, and try to sneak away. Then, you'll knock over a trash can, therefore alerting the bad guy, who'll then knock you out with the butt of his revolver. I'll run, fall, and break my leg, and the scene will jump to the next hapless victims.

Vulcan Raven: Okay. So long as I know we're not acting out anything predictable or clichéd.

Fortune: Ready?

Vulcan Raven: Wait, did you say "revolver"?

Fortune: Yeah, why?

Vulcan Raven: Nothing. Just thought I'd ruin the ending for anyone with half a brain.

Fortune: Okay, let's go.

SIX AND A HALF MINUTES LATER…

Fortune: Argh! My leg! Help me, Raven!

Evil Gravely Voice #1: He can't help you now! In fact, no one can! Muhahahahaha!!!

* * *

SCENE TEN: THE WHITE HOUSE 

Jim Houseman: Wait… we're the next hapless victims? He's gonna blow up the White House?

Evil Gravely Voice #1: No, I just thought I'd add a bit of unpredictability to the mix.

President Johnson: Ahh, okay.

* * *

SCENE ELEVEN: LIQUID'S LIVING ROOM 

TV: Get outta here, Burt, or I'll hit you again…

Mei Ling: I'm gonna go get my share of pudding. See ya in a bit.

Otacon: (whispers) Snake, Fortune and Raven have been gone awhile.

Snake: It's okay. We have to wait for Liquid to make his move, then POW! We'll take him down.

Otacon: Uhm… Are you sure Liquid's our enemy? That was one hell of a Christmas Dinner.

Snake: Of course. He keeps going on about his "plans", and we all know Liquid.

Otacon: But…

Snake: Quiet, you're making me miss the ending.

Liquid: Everything all right over there?

Otacon: Oh, sure. Never better.

Snake: Fortune and Raven have been gone awhile. Maybe somebody else should check on them.

Solidus: Hey, Liquid… Isn't there someone we forgot to invite?

Liquid: What do you mean?

Solidus: I can't help thinking that we forgot someone.

Liquid: Well, you invited all of Dead Cell, right?

Solidus: Yeah, and you invited all of Fox-Hound, right?

Liquid: Yeap. Me, Vulcan Raven, Sniper Wolf, Psycho Mantis… Hell, even Metal Gear REX. That's everyone. Except…

(An explosion rips through the living room wall, sending the TV and couches flying)

Snake: Damn.

Evil Gravely Voice #1: I got tired of waiting. I'm going to kill you all, right here, right now.

Solidus: (cough) Who are you?

(The smoke gradually clears)

Evil Gravely Voice #1: I am Shalashaska. Also called, Revolver…

Snake & Evil Gravely Voice #1: …Ocelot!

Solidus: Hey, Ocelot. I haven't seen you since the time you screwed us all over and left us to die on Arsenal Gear.

Meryl: And I haven't seen you since you kidnapped and raped me.

Liquid: And I haven't seen you since you had my arm surgically grafted onto your body.

Olga: And I haven't seen you since you killed my dad.

Snake: And I haven't seen you since you took pictures of me on the Tanker and made me an international terrorist.

Master Chief: I haven't seen you since when you cheated to beat me on Halo.

Wolf: (gasp!) How evil!

Master Chief: I know.

Ocelot: Yes, it's good to see you all too. But what I want to know is… why didn't I get an invitation!?

Liquid: You mean, apart from all the above?

Ocelot: Yes, yes, apart from all that.

Liquid: Well, for once, I just wanted to have a nice normal Christmas Dinner. Y'know, the sort that real, non-dysfunctional families and friends enjoy. That was my big plan. I know, my family consists of two clone brothers who hate me and a father who never had time for me, but for once in my short life I wanted everyone to get together in my house on this most holy of days and exchange gifts and enjoy each other's company without killing each other or attempting to start wars. I was even prepared to suffer my insufferable twin Snake, who still thinks I've got some sort of evil scheme planned and thinks he's being subtle by whispering loudly and tucking his USP into his underwear, just to have all the Metal Gear crew together for a nice dinner.

Ocelot: So… why not me?

Liquid: Because you always get drunk and wander around with no pants on.

Otacon: That (sob)… was so beautiful! (cries on Raiden's shoulder)

Raiden: There there.

Snake: Man… I feel like a real jerk.

Ocelot: Be that as it may, I'm still going to kill all of you. Because you all forgot about me. Nobody even mentioned me in this fic, 'til now. Do you know what people who are alone and forgotten at Christmas do? They hang themselves!

All: (gasp!)

Ocelot: I suppose people like me can't get invited to parties or buy pants with belts on in this world. I guess I'm the little lost puppy who never…

Solidus: Wait, wait, wait. We've just had the long, sobering Christmas speech from Liquid. This is supposed to be a comedy/action/adventure fanfic, so let's just battle and get killing you over with. (snaps tentacles threateningly)

Ocelot: I think not! (pulls out a curious handle detonator) The Christmas Pudding is loaded with enough SEMTEX to blow you all to hell, at the touch of this button!

Raiden: But we ate that already!

Ocelot: Exactly!

Otacon: My God, it's so calculated!

Meryl: Snake, what are we gonna do?

Snake: We're entirely in his power…. Wait, where's Mei Ling?

Otacon: She went to get her share of pudding. She felt full at dinnertime.

Meryl: We've got to stop her! She's our only hope!

* * *

SCENE TWELVE: LIQUID'S KITCHEN 

Mei Ling (about to eat a spoonful of pudding): Here comes the big aeroplane! Neeeaoooww…

(Enter Snake)

Snake: Drop that aeroplane! (martial arts kicks the bowl across the room)

Mei Ling: Hey, jerkass! I was eating that!

Snake: Mei Ling, the pudding's been SEMTEX'D!

Mei Ling: Oh, no! By whom?

(Enter Ocelot)

Ocelot: Me! Now eat the pudding!

Mei Ling: Never!

Ocelot: Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding! Eat the pudding!

Mei Ling: (cries) Alright! Alright! (picks up bowl)

(Enter Fatman)

Fatman: Noooooooooooooooooo! (jumps on Ocelot)

Ocelot: Argh! I can't feel my legs!

Fatman: Quickly, I can't hold him for long! There are laxatives in the top right hand cupboard!

Snake: Of course! We can shit the SEMTEX out!

* * *

SCENE THIRTEEN: LIQUID'S UPSTAIRS LANDING 

(There's a huge cue outside the toilet door)

Meryl: Hurry up, Snake!

Snake: Just a minute! This article is really interesting!

HALF AN HOUR LATER…

Master Chief: Right, that's everyone. Now, to kill…

(A shot is fired, disarming Master Chief)

Wolf: Chief! Are you okay?

Master Chief: Yes… just a sprained wrist.

Wolf: I knew you took too long in that bathroom.

Ocelot: Nobody will defeat me! Everyone must die!

(Ocelot begins shooting at everybody else. They try to hide behind the banister and behind sofa, but it's no use.)

Liquid: That's it! No one ruins my party! No one!

(Liquid jumps from his upstairs landing, takes hold of his chandelier, swings towards Ocelot and dropkicks him out of a window)

Ocelot: Arrrrrggghhh…. (thud)

* * *

SCENE FOURTEEN: LIQUID'S BACK YARD 

(All are gathered around Ocelot's corpse. The snow is falling)

Meryl: He wasn't all bad. Remember all the times he got smashed and told us stories from his youth?

Raiden: And the time he paid Fatman's bail.

Liquid: And when he was a character witness at Colonel Campbell's trial.

Campbell: Sure got me off the hook.

Snake: All he wanted was to be accepted, to be invited into our family. And it had to end up like this.

Otacon: What's your point?

Snake: Nothing. Just kinda ticks me off is all.

Raiden: Wait… that's not Ocelot! It's a mask!

Wolf: No, that's just his wrinkly skin.

Mei Ling: No, look, he's right!

(Mei Ling reaches down and peels "Ocelot's" face off to reveal…)

Snake: The DARPA Chief!

Solidus: No, that's a mask too! It's really… (peels second mask off)

Raiden: Sam Fisher!

Meryl: No! That's also a mask! The kidnapper really is… (peels third mask off)

Liquid: King Henry VIII!

Master Chief: That's also a mask!

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER…

Campbell: I think it's obvious by now that it's actually Decoy Octopus.

Raiden: Who?

Vulcan Raven: Wow… he's the one none of us expected.

Psycho Mantis: Yes, we really did forget about him.

Snake: So… where's the REAL Ocelot?

* * *

SCENE FIFTEEN: OCELOT'S APARTMENT 

(Ocelot is hanging from the ceiling from a rope noosed around his neck, dead)

* * *

SCENE SIXTEEN: LIQUID'S BEDROOM 

(Liquid is alone. Enter Snake)

Snake: Uhm… Look, Liquid. I'm sorry about… y'know, accusing you of evil plotting and conspiring to kill you.

Liquid: Oh, it's okay. I'd have done the same to you. (They hug)

(Beat)

Snake: In a yaoi, this is when we'd have sex.

Liquid: Yeah… Anyway, wanna see what's on TV?

Snake: Sure. (Picks up TV remote)

Liquid: No! Not that one!

(Liquid's bed flips over mechanically, revealing a huge laser gun beneath and a control system)

Mechanical Voice: Death Ray armed. Evil Scheme #328 activated.

Liquid: Heh… that's a friend's. Really.

I hope you all enjoyed that. Consider this fanfic a Christmas present from me to you. This might be my last ever script-based fanfiction, so savour the poor prose and hentai references while you can. And please, if you must jerk off this Christmas, don't forget to wash your hands before you carve the turkey. And now a small word from Tiny Tim…

Tiny Tim: Please, sir. Could you (cough) spare a review for Mister Chicken Fox? He says 'e'll beat me if you don't. And it'll be like a present for 'im. Please?

_Heh heh, don't worry. No crippled cockney kids are going to be beaten. Because you're going to review me, aren't you? That's right. Well done you. Everything's nice and festive. There's no need for violence._

Tiny Tim: God bless us, every one!


End file.
